When I Am President, You Will Behave.

When I am president, a lot of things will cease to exist. Not because I am power-hungry, but because I have suffered.

I have suffered o. I have suffered too much. Suffered at the hands of inefficiency, mediocrity, and outright wickedness. And I believe, with my whole heart, that I am not alone.

First of all, landlords will be held accountable like public officeholders. There will be a tribunal for them. A panel where tenants will sit, legs crossed, waiting for their turn to ask, “So you mean to tell me you’re charging 3 million for this self-contained apartment that floods when it drizzles?” If found guilty, the landlord will be given a mandatory one-year stay in his own house, under the same conditions he has forced others to endure. He will live there, pay rent to the government, and write a report on his experience. I believe this will foster empathy.

What of house agents you ask me? Well, I cannot be president and see house agents exist the way they currently do. We may have to scrap that position entirely if care is not taken because…

When I am president, customer service representatives will be sent to a special type of boot camp. Before they are employed, they must prove that they do not have the spiritual gift of rudeness. They will be given a test: we will put them in stressful situations, long queues, network failures, customers asking stupid questions, and their reactions will be recorded. If their eyebrows lift past a certain degree or their voices change tone, they will be redirected to a different career path. Perhaps carpentry.

When I am president, banks will close at 8 PM. Not because I like stressing people, but because, again,  I have suffered. The idea that a bank, an institution that keeps people’s money, can decide to close by 4 PM, when traffic is at its peak and working-class citizens are still at their desks, is deeply offensive to me. Why should money(especially certain amount of monies) be accessible only during work hours? Whose idea was this? Why does my money feel like a visitor that I need an appointment to see? Under my rule, banks will be open when people need them. If I am awake at 2 AM, wondering about life, I should be able to go to a bank and withdraw all my money just to prove a point. Are you with me?

When I am president, introverts will be protected by law. If you invite someone to a loud, crowded place without warning, you will have to personally handle their social battery recharge. And if you ever make someone feel bad for needing space, you will be sent to a solitary retreat where you must journal about your actions.

When I am president, network providers will no longer be allowed to send fraudulent “Dear esteemed customer” messages. No more “you have won 100MB, reply YES to claim” only to be told “service unavailable.” No more 5GB data vanishing overnight because “background apps were running.” The CEO of each network provider will be required to use only their own network service for a full year without VIP access. If they suffer the same mysterious data loss and call drops that we do, they will be expected to explain why they have failed society. Not less than 2000 words.

When I am president, people who drink ice tea like it’s an actual beverage will be investigated. That is suspicious behavior. That is the decision of someone who might secretly enjoy pain. Under my rule, you will be required to explain yourself. If your reasoning is unsatisfactory, you will be forced to drink real drinks for a month nonstop.

When I am president, queue jumpers will be arrested. Not fined. Arrested. If you can bypass 40 people who have been standing under the sun for two hours just because you “know someone,” especially if you are not sick, pregrant, or not being polite and kind/non-braggadocios about it, you do not deserve that access o. You will be taken to a special facility where you will practice patience. The facility will have only one serving station, and you will queue for everything, food, water, the bathroom, even sleep. You will learn.

When I am president, unsolicited relationship advice will be classified as a crime. I do not care if you have been married for 50 years or just finished a 3-day talking stage, keep your wisdom to yourself unless asked. Everyday love love. Are you not tired? Well, If you are found guilty, you will be sentenced to a week of receiving advice you didn’t ask for.

Finally, when I am president, all companies will be required to answer emails. No more “good afternoon sir, following up on my previous email.” You will follow up exactly once. If there is no response, the CEO will be required to explain why they have neglected human communication. If they do not answer, the company will be fined. If they continue to ignore emails, their internet access will be revoked. I believe this will promote order and discipline because I don’t understand why you will see my mail and you decide not to respond to me.

Sigh.

When I am president, this world will definitely function the way it should and the nation will be free of nonsense.

So help me God🙏