Everything has changed.
You know you are an adult when the thing you get most excited about is extra sleep.
On my way back home today, all I could think about was the year 2019. A year I cannot easily forget. Unquestionably, one of the best years of my life.
I was genuinely happy in 2019.
I was happily placed in one of the best PPAs a youth corper could ever ask for. I had a side job, I had just met Aisha, I was feeding good, in touch with my family and friends, saving money easy, showing up for business owners daily, planning the launch of Let Love Lead initiative, dreaming big, reading beautiful books, meeting new people, in love, and having worries that were not really worries.
Now…
I am still a happy person but, things have changed.
My worries are now worries and happiness feels like a chore now. A serious chore.
You see, my early idea of growing looked like finishing my tertiary education, leaving home, finding work, finding one’s self, achieving a few wild dreams, finding a life partner, and having children. Truthfully, my life was looking like that and I followed that sequence until I didn’t anymore.
Right now, it’s more like leaving home, finding work, feeling lost, shrugging weird feelings off, finding love, doubting love, feeling ambitious, feeling lost again, catching a breath, finding another work, going back to school, googling ways to get rid of anxiety, skipping sunday services, forgetting your friend’s birthdays, discovering you prefer less sugar, finding solace in the gym, arguing with your mom about why you have been away, driving yourself to the hospital…
It is crazy! What growing looks like now is actually unbelievable.
For every moment of happiness I experience now, I take some days to feel them deeply and maybe document them as though it’d never happen again.
I am encouraged though. I know happy. I know what pure Joy feels like and I recognize when it’s around.
I try to find ways to initiate it, keep it intact and educate myself about the importance of getting to know how to avoid the habits that kills joy. I try my best. I do.
But…
Why am I trying to be happy?
Does trying to be happy not imply that I am not inhabiting my ideal self and I am not aligned with the qualities of who I wish to be? Am I overthinking right now?
Alright I will stop.
But maybe growth and it’s struggles are inevitable and there's nothing I can do to stop this. And it is probably what makes receiving Joy more recognized, held-onto and pleasurable now. Maybe the struggle is always what makes the reward much more satisfying. Just maybe.
Today I asked my friend if we would ever be that happy again. Like we used to be.
She laughed.
You tell me. Would we?
Will this end?
Hi Favour,
Why do we feel the same way all in this period.
Lately I’ve been in situations that got me asking why I grew up. How did I start doing adult stuffs olofesodin (all of a sudden)
I’m currently stuck with trying to clear off debts, this has clearly made me live from hand to mouth, I’m always questioning where my money goes to.
I’ll be completely NYSC soon, I have piles of decisions to take on myself, skills to brush up on, my side hustle that needs resources in order to upscale it for extra income to clear off the debts. Trying to keep intimacy with God ablaze.
24hrs/day barely enough to achieve anything
In all of these, when I manage to get good hours of sleep, I become the happiest. At least to escape from overthinking.
I don’t even know what to say than
God Is Helping Us!
I am so joyful for night when I get to hit my bed after hours of aitting at my desk. I get so excited to be in a moving car heading to town. I feel happy when my tasks list is clear and my head is clear. I feel happy when I eat. I can't remember when last I got a new dress, or slippers. I don't even remember them, these things that used to bring me much joy have changed.
Now I am content with finding something funny on tiktok, resting my back, laughing and sharing memes. The joy have become in observing sunset, walking on my two feet. Being alive one more day. We'll be fine maybe. Or make the best of now.