This was a great read, thank you for writing it and sharing.
I do think it might be impossible or at least very difficult for avoidants to date avoidants or for people with anxious style attachments to ever stop being fascinated by avoidants. I think so because the stability of an avoidant-avoidant relationship would bore the avoidants and feel unproductive, completely lacking in stimulation. Two avoidants are not likely to ever get to a stage where they are on each other's necks, hence there never seems to be any need to run away. They'll probably end things with words like "I don't think this is going anywhere"
And people anxious style attachments? Where would the anxiety come from if not an avoidant? It's a pattern, a harmful one, but a pattern still. Therapy might be the only help.
But yeah, it would have been so great if it could work
One thing I know is we are certainly different people in the world. Our mental wiring is different, and most of the time, it needs acceptance, time, recognition to be able to change the way our mind works.
Certain behaviours may even be unknown to the owner until it begins to affect their relationships.
If it begins to tamper with your relationships, and your life generally, it's foolish to continue in self-denial. It would be selfishness on your part.
Instead, work on yourself. There would be someone who would gladly walk with you through the process.
For avoidants reading this, it starts with being very self-aware. That way you can see the negativity in the attachment style you once found solace in.
Yes, you fear being left alone again. You fear that you'd fall too deep in the "pit" of intense love and you'd be left to burn. You've said never again, but love will always find you. It does no good to you or the other party to play the withdrawal card.
Don't deprive yourself of the power and wholesomeness of love and connection. Psychologist Erik Erikson defines age 20–45 as an intimacy vs. isolation phase. So, choose your end of the spectrum. Choose good.
This is true as a recovering avoidant myself, understanding what made me become like that and making conscious effort helped me a lot. I'm still fighting 💪 because people deserve as much love from me as they give me.
As an avoidant with another avoidant it’s actually also bad. Imagine two people who think they’re not deserving of proper love and connection. People think that just because the you do it you should understand but that’s the thing, humans beings mostly want what they can’t give😭
Well my unpopular thought attachments are cultivated through a series of one's life experiences .The labeling of attachment should act as a way to understand self and promote self regulation and not guide dating patterns .
Most of these attachments styles are even unknown to the owners until triggered
Some things may or may not trigger the anxious/avoidants but are framed to possibly trigger .
I side with the favour on this ,,the goal is not to try to understand the parties ,but the individual parties to understand their self enough to protect themselves and each other .
I say this to summarise that avoidantsb, anxious, disorganised,secure all are a spectrum to help understand a live human in this physical realm .
But the part we are missing is that they wouldn’t want to do that because avoidants love to feel sought after by the anxious-attached. They love to feel wanted as they pull away. It gives them meaning.
Avoidants in a relationship will make them both anxious attached because they’re wondering why the other person isn’t chasing. That or the interest fizzles out
one of my first reads on the app after getting out of a messy avoidant situation where i lwk had no self respect for myself, this was a very nice read for me thank you very much :)
The funny thing is I just learned only about a month ago that I'm an avoidant. Before that everything was making perfect sense in my perfect little avoidant brain. Thank you for this, love it💕
"Two people who text once every few days and both feel perfectly comfortable with that rhythm. No chasing. No emotional tug-of-war."
These two people will never date in real life. They'll keep pushing each other away in a dance that is both fluid and well rehearsed, but they'll not date because they're both too comfortable with the dance to want anything more. Honestly, it's why I'm still single at this age 😂😂
I think the solution is os for them to finally find someone they fall badly for that the lose control of their actions and just go all in. Sadly, life isn't a Romcom 🤧😂
On behalf of my fellow un-triggered avoidants... Accept my deepest apologies. Honestly, some of us want to change but haven't found the courage to yet 😕🙏🏽
https://medium.com/@thefavourogazi/nobody-talks-about-emotionally-secure-ones-becoming-avoidants-a55d5faf35fb
You may want to read this
Avoidant people will make you question your sanity. You’ll wake up everyday and ask yourself if you’re sane!
Hosanna, what did he do?😭
Omoo. I saw signs. I stayed. I started to see wonders. Long story short.😂😭
This was a great read, thank you for writing it and sharing.
I do think it might be impossible or at least very difficult for avoidants to date avoidants or for people with anxious style attachments to ever stop being fascinated by avoidants. I think so because the stability of an avoidant-avoidant relationship would bore the avoidants and feel unproductive, completely lacking in stimulation. Two avoidants are not likely to ever get to a stage where they are on each other's necks, hence there never seems to be any need to run away. They'll probably end things with words like "I don't think this is going anywhere"
And people anxious style attachments? Where would the anxiety come from if not an avoidant? It's a pattern, a harmful one, but a pattern still. Therapy might be the only help.
But yeah, it would have been so great if it could work
Good point highkeyyy
Thank youu
Ofcc🫂
I love psychology so much.
One thing I know is we are certainly different people in the world. Our mental wiring is different, and most of the time, it needs acceptance, time, recognition to be able to change the way our mind works.
Certain behaviours may even be unknown to the owner until it begins to affect their relationships.
If it begins to tamper with your relationships, and your life generally, it's foolish to continue in self-denial. It would be selfishness on your part.
Instead, work on yourself. There would be someone who would gladly walk with you through the process.
I was just about to say this!
For avoidants reading this, it starts with being very self-aware. That way you can see the negativity in the attachment style you once found solace in.
Yes, you fear being left alone again. You fear that you'd fall too deep in the "pit" of intense love and you'd be left to burn. You've said never again, but love will always find you. It does no good to you or the other party to play the withdrawal card.
Don't deprive yourself of the power and wholesomeness of love and connection. Psychologist Erik Erikson defines age 20–45 as an intimacy vs. isolation phase. So, choose your end of the spectrum. Choose good.
Xoxo,
Ex-avoidant 🫠
This is true as a recovering avoidant myself, understanding what made me become like that and making conscious effort helped me a lot. I'm still fighting 💪 because people deserve as much love from me as they give me.
No cap.If someone pulls back when things get serious ,they weren't meant to be in your life anyway.And it has nothing to do with you.
Kairosclerosis
The short-livedness of happy moments
The pressure of closeness
The fear of attachment
As an avoidant with another avoidant it’s actually also bad. Imagine two people who think they’re not deserving of proper love and connection. People think that just because the you do it you should understand but that’s the thing, humans beings mostly want what they can’t give😭
Well my unpopular thought attachments are cultivated through a series of one's life experiences .The labeling of attachment should act as a way to understand self and promote self regulation and not guide dating patterns .
Most of these attachments styles are even unknown to the owners until triggered
Some things may or may not trigger the anxious/avoidants but are framed to possibly trigger .
I side with the favour on this ,,the goal is not to try to understand the parties ,but the individual parties to understand their self enough to protect themselves and each other .
I say this to summarise that avoidantsb, anxious, disorganised,secure all are a spectrum to help understand a live human in this physical realm .
This is beautifully written.
But the part we are missing is that they wouldn’t want to do that because avoidants love to feel sought after by the anxious-attached. They love to feel wanted as they pull away. It gives them meaning.
Avoidants in a relationship will make them both anxious attached because they’re wondering why the other person isn’t chasing. That or the interest fizzles out
You write so good Favour !
Thank you 🤍
one of my first reads on the app after getting out of a messy avoidant situation where i lwk had no self respect for myself, this was a very nice read for me thank you very much :)
The thing with avoidants is that they don't know they are being avoidants.
The funny thing is I just learned only about a month ago that I'm an avoidant. Before that everything was making perfect sense in my perfect little avoidant brain. Thank you for this, love it💕
"Two people who text once every few days and both feel perfectly comfortable with that rhythm. No chasing. No emotional tug-of-war."
These two people will never date in real life. They'll keep pushing each other away in a dance that is both fluid and well rehearsed, but they'll not date because they're both too comfortable with the dance to want anything more. Honestly, it's why I'm still single at this age 😂😂
I think the solution is os for them to finally find someone they fall badly for that the lose control of their actions and just go all in. Sadly, life isn't a Romcom 🤧😂
From the title, I just went “Gbam!” They should date themselves and see how it feels instead of hitting others with “that’s just me”
Oh please!
On behalf of my fellow un-triggered avoidants... Accept my deepest apologies. Honestly, some of us want to change but haven't found the courage to yet 😕🙏🏽